My Mumbling Thoughts

Man I missing writing.

I don't know why I stop and start, and then pick it back up for a little while, and stop again. I'm just inconsistent, I guess. Which isn't really a good thing, but hey, at least I'm honest.

I do miss it, though. I miss splurging my inner thoughts all over the World Wide Web for the occasional stranger to stumble upon and maybe take three spare minutes to quickly scan over my random words. My only hope is that maybe one or two of my random words will resonate in some way shape or form, and mean something. Even if it's a small little something.

We're deep into January 2012, and I gotta say, I feel like this year is gonna be good. I may even go as far to say great. I mean, I don't want to jinx anything, but so far my year is already booked up with some pretty awesome things going down. The first half of the year is pretty much saving money, and thawing out from this mild winter that has barely touched DC (no complaints here, either!). Once summer is finally underway, this June (should everything continue to go as planned), I'll be making my first move into my new apartment. Oh yeah! And here's the kicker: WITH MY BOYFRIEND. That's right. I'm moving in with my boyfriend. This June. June of 2012. Moving in. With my boyfriend. So it'll be our apartment. Our place. Together.

It's a pretty big deal (even though I'm totally cool and acting like it's not a big deal, because it's only a big deal if you make it out to be a big deal). Since it's a big deal that's not a big deal, the first half of this year will also be spent sifting through the many, many things in my room that has been accumulating since 2003. Well, really, since second grade, because I still have crap that I've saved since my second year in elementary school. Still. It all travels with me.

It's about time that I purge all of my random trinkets, though, and go through what I essentially NEED (i.e. bed, bookshelves, duvets), and decide on what I WANT (i.e. sombraro, Cosmo magazine collection, notes from high school hiding underneath my bed). I feel like if I don't get rid of at least half of it, I'll end up on that Extreme Clutter show. It's not pretty.

The second half of the year will hopefully be bringing me back to London for a short visit. I'm saving, saving, saving, so I can blow all of my hard earned money on two beautiful weeks back in the city I have a not-so-secret love affair with. It'll be worth every single penny just so I'm able to see my friends, lay in my parks, ride my buses, and eat at my favorite restaurants. For two short weeks I'll regain my awkward English accent, and walk down my streets of Memory Lane. It's always a bittersweet pleasure for myself, and this time round I'll be sharing it all with my dear, sweet Jeremy, who has only heard the tales I retell over and over for him.

I can hardly wait.

In between days, it'll just be me counting down 2012. Waiting, and hopefully writing more. It's not a resolution of mine (I don't believe in starting over each year), but it is something I'd like to do more of. God knows I spend enough time faffing around on the internet watching stupid videos. It wouldn't kill me to come visit My Mumbling Thoughts more, and exercise my ability to string together coherent sentences.

Posted by Sam at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
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When you've been locked in the darkness of your mind for as many years as I have been, it's scary when the light first starts breaking through. It's unknown, it's strange, and it's a scary feeling. It's really uncomfortable, and I didn't know if I should trust it, because trusting had betrayed me in the past. Positivity was not something I was used to. Believing in good things never came easy to me, and caring about my life in general was always an uphill battle.

I was locked inside for years. Years I allowed the darkness to consume me, my thoughts, and my personality. Lord knows I did a lot of things - self sabotaging things, self harming things - that set me back, clouded my judgment, and wasted a lot of time keeping me from my True Self.

After I graduated from university, I took a long, hard look at where I was in my life and didn't like where I had ended up. I didn't like myself, and had a lot of regrets. Deciding to be sober forced me to finally feel things that I had been suppressing for so long, and finally come to terms with a lot of issues that had held me back. My monthly counseling sessions (that I still attend) helped me control my anxiety, my breakdowns, and was a vital part in helping me see that life doesn't have to be so hard. We only make it out to be hard if that's what we truly believe.

I was locked inside for years, but over the past year and a half I've done a lot of healing, growing, maturing, and doing my best to gain a better understanding of who I am as a person, what my ultimate purpose is in life, and to do everything I can to honor that calling.

I had what Oprah likes to call an "Aha Moment" last night when I was watching one of her online classes that she started on her OWN network, and woke up this morning with such clarity I almost exploded into tears with pure joy. I truly understand it now.

** You become what you believe. **

Those words have never made more sense to me.

It's so simple, and yet I couldn't understand it for so long. Now I know it's because I wasn't ready to receive it. I would hear those words, and they were so empty to me. They meant nothing. They held zero value. Sure, whatever, I get it...You become what you believe. Makes sense.

But there's a different between "making sense" and "truly understanding". When you're ready to receive something into your life, you get that wonderful feeling of things clicking, and snapping into place, and all of a sudden it feels like you're on the right path. Everything that didn't make sense before, now appears crystal clear. I now know all of the answers to all of my life questions because I truly understand - you become what you believe.

It's a thought process that I've been working on breaking for so long, and now I know it's possible. My old limitations no longer have chains on me, and I've never felt more confident with where I'm at in life. Everything: my job, my relationships in my life, my finances, my habits, my entire thought process. Everything is exactly where it's at, because I believed it to be that way.

This morning I started a new way of thinking, embracing all the positivity I could hold, and rejecting any kind of negative energy that tried to penetrate inside my thoughts. It's an amazing power to hold, knowing that I'm capable of controling my thoughts. To understand that I'm responsible for the energy I bring every second of every day, and to truly own all aspects of myself - the good, the bad, and the ugly. It's beautiful to understand, a beautiful breakthrough, and an amazing release that I've been working so hard to achieve ever since I made the decision to better myself.

I needed to write it down so I don't forget.

You become what you believe.

And I believe that I'm a better person who will continue to grow.

Posted by Sam at 04:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
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When you're six hours north from all reality in a secluded house snuggled in between Connecticut and The Hamptons, and you've done all the shopping, pie eating, reading, baking, TV watching, beach walking, antiquing, cheese eating, whale watching, and cupcake searching a small town has to offer, and the average bedtime in the house is 7:30 for other family members, there's only one other thing left to do: blog.

I don't drink anymore, so yes, blogging is my only other option.

It certainly has been a while, so since I've done everything else (bar logging onto my work email, which I refuse to cave and check), I feel it's only appropriate that I crack my knuckles, and get into some serious updating here on Ye Old Mumbling Thoughts. Yes, a series of updates to, well, update on what has been happening since I last updated three million years ago.

Continue reading ""So lead me down to the ocean, our world is fine by the ocean"" »

Posted by Sam at 08:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)
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The day starts off normal enough: shower, dry hair, make-up, clothes. Shove some breakfast down my mouth quickly, grab my travel tea mug, hop in the car, and I'm off.

Off to work.

Ugh, work.

It's not hard to see that I'm not happy behind my open desk with people shuffling by throughout the day. One could easily guess that if given the chance or opportunity, I'd leave in a heartbeat without a second consideration. I wouldn't think about the engineers I support, my fellow admins, or the other worker bees that I've gotten to know in the past year and a half. I've never been built for this bland surrounding, and I've known that for a long time now. I never will adjust to the random abstract art that they hang on the drab cream colored walls, the engineer topics I try to wrap my brain around and pretend to understand. It's just not me.

I don't know why I try to bend and conform to a place where I know I don't fit and I don't belong. I've been doing it ever since I graduated high school, and aside from London I've never been able to find a place that feels right. Instead I keep coming back here, to the plain government sector, to the safe confines of job security that pays enough, has bubble wrap benefits, and treats me well enough.

Why complain? Why always sulk behind my 24" monitor? Why wish for more, want for more, expect more from myself? Why not just stay, and accept the cushion that I've landed on?

Because inside I can't suffer like this any longer, and I know I can achieve more. I have better talents other than refilling the printer when it runs out of paper, or scheduling conference rooms for engineers who make triple my salary. I didn't get my degree in sorting the daily post, so why am I still at the beginning paying my dues?

I've not been trying hard enough for what I want. If I want it, then I need to work hard for it. If I want it, then I deserve it, and I'll get it, and it'll happen for me. It is possible. If I want to step outside of this administrative realm, then it's time for me to start walking.

My irritation with this place and myself has far surpassed a safe level, and I'm scared if I stay much longer I'll forget what I want to do in this world. I don't want to wake up and continue this hell routine for twenty more years. I want a job where I smile when I talk about it, and truly makes me happy, where I feel my purpose. Currently I feel an empty void that's craving to be filled.

Filled with words.

Posted by Sam at 08:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)
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I seem to only write when I'm sad.

Sad or confused. Sad and confused. Confused and upset. Whenever I have something that has been sitting on top of my chest for an extended period of time and needs to filter through my fingeritps.

Why?

Can't I ever write when I'm happy? When I'm not in the process of trying to decipher some unknown feeling that has nestled inside me. Because I'm happy sometimes. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I have good times and enjoy myself, and smile, and I'm mindlessly overjoyed with everything around me.

But it is only when I'm sad when I take to the keyboard and dispel my dark insides, when I feel most compelled to share my rainy days. It makes me sound whiny and pathetic, like some kind of moaning baby that can't hack anything in life, but that's not always case.

It's my therapy in a lot of ways. When I'm down, and dark, angsty, and angry, I feel so intense. It scares me, but I feel more like myself. I feel drawn to the smoky corners, the inward battles, the clawing emotions. I feel it so much I can't contain it all within myself. I feel too much, that I have to dump it all here, on to the vast internet with stranger's eyes occasionally reading, sharing, and perhaps even understanding a little.

I've been trying to be happy, and stay happy, and keep consistent with my level-headed emotions. My life is nothing to be sad about. I can logically look at everything I've accomplished, everything I hope to accomplish, and everyone who surrounds me and knowingly say, "they make me happy. I have a good life."

And yet.

And yet.

The darkness still finds me.

Posted by Sam at 09:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
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It is my most natural response to always expect the worst.

Always.

Things never go as planned, something will inevitably go wrong, life is a constant uphill battle, and there's no point in hoping for the best when you're always searching for the next hidden iceberg that you'll no doubt crash into.

That is my life. A mess.

So when something actually works out, I'm confused and left to sit and ponder in my spare time as to what I did exactly for something to not fuck up for a change. What did I do to deserve this? Why isn't there a huge dramatic fight/argument/tug-of-war of some kind that I have to suffer through in order to get to the other side? How did I end up in a happy, positive relationship with a man who shows me in so many different ways that he truly cares for me?

Where is that motherfucking iceberg?

Needless to say, I'm waiting for it. Most of the battles I've had to fight through these past couple of months are my own, internal, personal battles that I've been working on mostly in counseling. It takes time to learn how to erase past experiences and learn how to accept a positive change. Yes, I deserve a good man who's ready and willing to be there for me. Yes, I am willing to do the same for him and continue to work on being a good person every day. Yes, we are in this together and I'll learn how to be part of twosome.

And while I understand all of that, and I'm beginning to get used to having a man around on a regular basis, I can't help but feel like I'm always standing with one foot outside the door ready to dart at the first sign of danger.

Like I said, my natural response is to expect the worst.

If anything terrible or devastating happens, it'll probably be from my own creation. I'm a pro at devising up horrible situations and letting them play out, and then suffering in the aftermath of my own destruction. I am the queen of self-sabotage, and wallowing in my own self-pity. The past proves my emotional cutting patterns, so what makes me think that this will end on any kind of happy note? I am a habitual creature, and these past three and a half months have been wonderful, but how long will that last?

It is a fear that sucks all the air out of my lungs on a daily basis.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm walking blindly in a happy land of Happy Goodness all the time, and I'm not preparing myself properly for the end. When will it end? When will he stop calling? When will I start drinking again? When will we lose our jobs, get sick of each other, let the resentment settle in, grow bitter, and tear each other apart? When will I stop caring? When will all of these happy memories stop happening and I have to cry until they all blur away?

I'm not used to this stability. I'm not used to planning for the long-term. I'm not used to this kind of adult relationship and things sailing along smoothly.

I'm used to the end, and strangely find that more comforting than a bed with a warm body cuddled next to me.

Posted by Sam at 03:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
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I thought a couple of weeks ago that I'd be able to finish my counseling on a high note, and tell Dale I wouldn't need to see her as often.

I'm okay now, can't you see? I'm pretty happy overall, and I don't cry for no apparent reason. Thanks for letting me talk it out and cry in the privacy of your office, but your tearful services are no longer needed.

That is until last week when I felt a familiar feeling start creeping up on me. I quickly shoved it aside, because I would not be sad. I refused to be sad. I would not let my stupid emotions get in the way of being normal and ruining my newfound stable life. My job is going as well as it could be, my family life is pretty much in order, I have a lovely boyfriend who adores me, and things are good for once. There was no need for me to start getting all gloomy for no reason whatsoever.

And I know better than to ignore it, because the longer I leave it to fester and pretend it doesn't exist, the bigger it gets, and the louder it shouts at me. It takes over all the thoughts in my brain until I have no other option than to finally deal with it. Again. Deal with my unknown sadness that seems to stem from nowhere.

So it's perfect timing that I have a counseling session set up for this Friday, where I can go and uncontrollably cry as Dale watches and asks me simple questions that bring me back to the light.

Until Friday, though, I'm now stuck knowing the fact that I'm back in a familiar dark place, and it's pretty hard to ignore anymore. Old distraction methods are hard to hold up, and I've resorted to shrinking into my quiet shell, listening to woeful music to soothe my melancholic emotions, and sleep every chance I can under my fluffy covers.

I've also tried to pin point exactly what is going on, since I'm a pro at identifying other people's issues, and have new tools I've gained from counseling to use on myself, and so far, the only big change in my life is indeed the new boyfriend, and this huge amount of pressure I've put on myself to maintain this newfound happiness. And I didn't want this dark cloud to be related to him in any way, because he doesn't make me sad. He is so funny, and likes me, and makes me laugh, and all of that mushy stuff that makes me feel the butterflies flutter inside of me.

This is more to do with me, and this giant ball of fear that has been sitting on my chest for weeks. It also may be magnified by the Depo shot I got so I didn't need to take a daily birth control pill, so all of those new, fun hormones are running rampant and getting acquainted with my body.

Still, I'm weepy for no apparent reason. Still, I almost cried at work today. Still, I almost cried in front of Jeremy because he was being so nice. Still, I clam up and hardly speak to anyone about anything, lest the one conversation about the copier is the special conversation that sets me off. Still, I can't help but feeling like something isn't right and like I've been down this knowing road before.

There's only one thing left to do until Friday, and that's to deal with this in the most grown-up manner: cry in the shower late at night after everyone's gone to bed. It's the greatest way to cope I've found, aside from taking up old bad habits.

Posted by Sam at 03:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
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